Finally, spring has sprung!

I only say finally because it’s almost always springy down in Roanoke.  Quite a different winter experience than Vermont.

This morning Theron and I trotted down to the Colchester Bike Path; and I didn’t have to wear gloves!!!  And I only had a vest on!  It was so wonderful…  enough to make the soul sing and happiness seep deep into my bones.

We wandered over the bridge that connects my mother’s neighborhood to the Bike Path.. This creek can’t quite compete with the Roanoke River…
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But the lake at the end of this shot of the path totally wins!!  Okay… You have squint to see it, but I promise there’s a nice big lake down there!
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It was one of those perfect crisp mornings where we could smell all sorts of delightful things…  Like the last vestiges of the wood smoke from the previous night fire to stave off the cold… The hay for the horses housed at the horse farm across the road from Mothers…  The muddy patches where the snow has melted…
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Smores and I have been enjoying the afternoon on the sun porch with the windows all open… She’s been keeping an eye on this cutie at the horse barn, and it’s been so lovely that I haven’t been able to buckle down and work from home yet.  Theron’s been an outdoor dog all day.  All that’s missing is my gorgeous husband!  April 11, hurry hurry hurry!

Affirmations

I’ve been taking advantage of this really great program offered by the Roanoke Valley Library system.  They now have free memberships (for library patrons) to Universal Class.  Universal Class gives you the opportunity to learn and explore on different topics.  I signed up for five classes – maxed it out – of course!

I am working through the Wellness Coaching one right now, and was working on the lesson regarding Mental Wellness, and came across information about affirmations.

The general gist of them (in the context of information from this class) is that they are statements written, said internally and/or externally, in the present tense to help work through situations.

For example…

I am still struggling with placing adequate importance on working out.  It’s something that disappoints me and frustrates me daily.  In order to overcome that hurdle I could use affirmations.  Some affirmations I could use are listed below.

It is my choice as to how strong I am.  I am the creator of my health.

Exercise is a big component of health.  I chose to be healthy.

 

Some of the suggestions from the lesson were:

Frustration:           Even though I dislike frustration, I can handle it.

To get pleasant results, I often have to do unpleasant things.

Achievement:      What I become is my choice, for only I am the creator of my destiny.

I’m no longer afraid to use the power within me to achieve my goals.

Love:                     I draw love and romance into my life and I accept it now.

Love is all around me. I feel everywhere. Joy fills my entire world.

 

I’m committing to trying affirmations for the next month and see if I find it changes my perception.  It seems like it’s similar to the cognitive based therapy process of re-framing your thoughts.

Does anyone currently utilize affirmations?  Do they help?

 

 

 

8 Years.

The silver lining of this derecho and the power issues is that Hubs’ work had no power yesterday so we had the day off together!!

We puttered around (I did ironing, laundry, etc.  He couponed or rebated or something).  Hit up Walmart for a new bottom for some tankini tops my little sister gave me (Thank god for whomever decided to make the tankini.).  I bought some new running shoes, and a new pair of flipflops and Hubs got a pair of sandals.  We had really great grilled veggies for dinner, and rounded the day out with bringing the RiverDog (Theron) down the Greenway into the river.

Today I am a little bummed… Tower’s shopping center has power back (per facebook, not personally confirmed) which makes it likely, very likely that Hubs’ work will have power today, and he will have to work.  I was hoping SO MUCH that he wouldnt’ have to…

You see, 8 years ago today was the start of what we have now… I’ve spent 8 years with the same man…  Fallen in love more, and to be honest less at times… but we’re still here…  And we’re talking about me!!!  The quintessential wild child.  The girl who no one thought would settle down, not for lack of trying, I always was seeming to pursue someone… but I couldn’t contain that wild streak…  If you ever meet me in real life… The stories I could tell you… I promise they back this claim up and then some. 🙂

But here we are… 8 years later…  And on July 5th, it will be 4 years of wedlock.  (I love that word!) Holy crap where does the time go?!?

Happy Anniversary Love.  🙂
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Unresolved…

I’m feeling lost.

This happens EVERY.TIME. I go home to visit.

I come back and am lost.  I feel lonely and empty and like something is missing.

For the longest time, I thought having found my wonderful match in life, that all I needed in life was him.

We are so very good together.  We’ve spent the last 7 years being each other’s every little thing.

Doesn’t that sound heavenly?

Doesn’t that sound pressure filled?  Doesn’t that sound, unbalanced?

For the longest time, I thought it was wonderful.  In fact, it still is quite wonderful.  We built a very strong and wonderful relationship that far exceeded my hopes for myself, and for us.

But when I go home I get this feeling… and each time I feel it stronger…. We could move there and we wouldn’t have to be alone…  I wouldn’t feel like I had this big gaping wound to heal each time I returned to Virginia from Vermont.  I wouldn’t have to spend weeks to months healing myself and settling myself back to being here.

I wouldn’t have to choose to let that wound be or to keep my marriage happily intact.

I spend a lot of time fearing that the  time will come when I can’t just force that feeling away.  That a time will come where I can’t just make myself happy here to keep us happy.

I live in fear of it.  Right now, I feel it trembling in my heart…  I can’t calm it.

That fear that will pervade until I am able to talk myself into this being “where we’re supposed to be”.

It’s easy to stay here, where we are, where we have a nice home and Hubs has a nice job, and he’s happy.  I’m relatively happy to, for the record.

It’s hard to imagine staying where we are…

Where I am most responsible for the household, and the idea of throwing children (if we end up so blessed) into the mix is suffocating.  Staying here, where we won’t have family to help share the burden… It’s intimidating.  It’s hard to imagine the potential that our (potential) children might not grow up spending a lot of time with their grandparents.  As mine were/are some of the most important people in my life, I feel it’s just plain WRONG not to give my children that option…

Staying here, it’s hard to imagine this cycle each time we travel home…  How many times can I ask to move home, and be shot down without it eating away at me completely?  How many times can I keep pushing this down, and keep pushing on?

Generally in my “healing process” after visiting,  I think going home to visit is part of the problem.  If I don’t go home, I can forget about it.  Keep burying it deeper and deeper until I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

I mean, that’s the same process I use to be “happy” here in the first place.  Each day I bury my sadness a little deeper, and I use that to catapult myself back to the land of the living.

If I just keep it all buried deep, I won’t say things to Hubs that will rock the boat.  I won’t push him to something that might make him unhappy, no matter how unhappy I might be.  I think deep down he thinks I’ll always be a little unhappy.  And maybe he’s right.  As soon as I think “maybe he’s right”, that’s when I know I’m starting to give in to him.  Give in to letting myself be less happy so he can stay here and nothing has to change.

This issue seems to grow bigger all the time.  I don’t know what the resolution is, or if there is a resolution.

I guess I just needed to vent.  I can’t make this decision for both of us, and I couldn’t live with disrupting his life to make me happier if it’s not something he wants… So I just say a little prayer each day hoping we can find a compromise, or a resolution…