To Break a Cycle…

Monday and Thursday nights have become somewhat of  a hardship for me.  Hubs isn’t home after 7:45pm because he goes and plays basketball.  For a while I was doing yoga Monday nights, and we’d pass like two ships in the  night until he came home at 10:00pm and I’d be in bed.  And Thursday nights he usually goes out with the guys for a beer or two after playing, so he’s not home until about 11:00 pm.  I find I feel lonely when he’s gone on basketball nights.  I have been trying to make myself make walking dates or other easy things to do to socialize on those nights.  But I digress.

Without him here, I’ve no one to keep me accountable and I find I’m starting to slip into my old habit of sneaky-secret-binging.  Last Thursday, when I was feeling particularly low because I had really really really been looking forward to my walking date that was cancelled, and as you know my clients for the most part had cancelled.  I was in a bad place emotionally and I made 2-3 mugs of cookies (in theory single servings).  I wasn’t legitimately hungry.  It was my disappointment and boredom I was feeding.  And I felt like I could get away with it since no one could see what I was doing but me.

This evening I have found myself sad because I didn’t feel “up” to going to yoga earlier… and it was thundering and lightening out so I couldn’t go for a walk this evening.  Next thing I know, Hubs is gone, and I’m googling the pants off of “cookie dough dip” and “single serving sugar cookies” and the like.  I just have to say thank god for this girl.  Her blog randomly showed up (Or not so randomly because she had one of those recipes.) and it pulled me back from the dark side!  So thank you!!!  Well her blog and remembering I have Bengal Spice to brew up in times like that!

But to be honest, it’s not just the Monday and Thursday thing that’s a problem.

Ever since my reaaaaaaally bad week at work, I’ve been off my game emotionally.  I’m slowly getting much better at seeing when I am operating from an emotional place.  It used to take me weeks-months to realize that’s what was going on.  I’m becoming more in tune with myself and more adept at reading the little signs… Like not tasting what I eat… Eating twice as fast as Hubs… Being okay with that extra serving or that extra drink…  I’m so very proud of myself for seeing it on my own and so quickly and actually pulling myself back from the brink.

What’s been plaguing me since last week is that I’ve been slowly becoming filled with doubt and fear of failure when it comes to my “calling” to massage and my career path.  I did a decent job this morning of melting down, and having Hubs give me some tough love and which when I listened helped put me back on the right path.

You know when I really care about someone who you can tell it because they can tell me something I don’t want to hear, and I will listen.  Hubs told me this morning I seemed to be waiting for customers to line up, but not really going after it.  And he looked kinda scared saying it like “Oh shit, did I really just say that out loud???”  But he was right…  When things are going on the upswing, it’s harder to focus on the marketing… but it’s vital to keep it on the upswing.

What it all comes down to is that I let all these cycles occur…  I let myself respond emotionally via food when I’m sad/hurt/etc… and I let those situations occur by not being as proactive in my life with avoiding those feelings.  I can accept those responsibilities… But it’s still so sad that these cycles keep occurring.  I know they can be broken, and I know healthier ones can be put in place.  Does anyone have some great tips for doing that?

Weight Talk Wednesday

I’m bringing back my Weight Talk Wednesdays.  I like the way it sounds, and I like the concept of focusing on the weight issues just once a week here.  A) I don’t think it’s healthy to focus on it all the time, I have slightly obsessive tendencies.  B) It gets boring and makes me feel whiny if I complain about it all the time!!

I’m thinking today’s a good day for a recap, followed by a proclamation (I love that word, it sounds so very important and like it must be followed!) of my goals.

Recap…  I am going to share with you what’s been going on since the hiatus.

I remember complaining (before the hiatus) about how I had hoped/expected the weight would drop off with not being unhappy all the time, and not being as sedentary (since I no longer had a desk job).  But reality kinda smacked me in the face with the fact that it wasn’t going to magically just drop off?!?

Okay, so since then I have been “cycling” again…. as in lose 5 lbs, gain it back, lose 5 lbs, gain it back.
As you can imagine, this isn’t exactly helping me get to that goal of reaching my goal weight by my 30th birthday in October.

Why does the cycling keep occurring???  I ask myself this all the time, especially when I’m back to a higher point.
It’s little things that make me gain it back…

Like a visit from/to family… I stop measuring, counting, or even thinking about what I am eating.  It’s crazy… I actually find that I rarely taste my food even when I am eating around my family.  It’s a little different with Hubs’ family… they are more apt to continue to serve me and I’m still so meek and mild I don’t do well with saying no.

Or PMS.  Once a month I am out of control for 3 days.  And I always think, huh, 3 days shouldn’t be enough to ruin my momentum.  Somehow, it is.  And that combined with the bloating for the following 3 days has me feeling like I’ve failed again for 6 days of the month.

Or things like this past weekend… I look forward to the weekends with Hubs so very much.  I’m crazy in love with the guy and he’s just such fun to hang out with, or do yard work or home projects with.  This got me in the mind frame to indulge and enjoy every possible second… at every opportunity. It starts out simple with a beer/glass of wine with happy hour (cheese, olives, maybe some crackers).  Sometimes it stops there, sometimes that puts me in that good place where I just want to chill out, and then I don’t make the best decisions.

Okay, that’s the Negative Nelly side of things… Here’s some positives from the past several months.

I definitely eat cleaner and better and such than I did 6-12 months ago and feel better health-wise.  I haven’t had a full on IBS attack in months upon months.

Just a month of P90X has made me stronger.  I picked up a bottle of wine to move it around the kitchen (from the floor to the wine rack) and had to double check it because I thought it felt half empty (it wasn’t).

Theron’s been so much healthier with me walking him a couple times a day.  I feel better, he looks/feels better and his training has come along leaps and bounds.

My mom and I started a 1300 club… basically we were committing to eating around 1300 calories a day (sometimes more, sometimes less).  It worked great for a couple of weeks, but soon after she was here for a visit, it all went down the drain, and I’m still trying to find my motivation!  But my takeaway from this is that I know if I stick to it, it can work!

There’s a lot of pressure I put on myself to be at a point where I have reached a healthy weight.
I am sick of having pictures taken that I want to delete…  Especially since I’m going on vacation this year back home and I hate going home and feeling fat.  And I am a bridesmaid in my brother-in-law’s wedding and I truly truly adore the bride (and groom)… so I want to make sure I look as presentable as possible in their photos!  And we have vacations we’re thinking about next year that would require a swimsuit.  Ack, I can’t even imagine photos of that!!
I’m sick of feeling like that initial impression could be deterring clients.  Who would you trust more when receiving a massage??  Someone fit and healthy, or someone who isn’t?
And Hubs and I both agree (as well as my gyno) that mastering that healthy lifestyle/weight is vital before we try to get pregnant.
And quite honestly, I’m sick of failing and feeling like I’m on a continual cycle.  I want to have these healthy habits in place as HABITS.  I don’t want eating well, and exercising to be optional aspects of my life.

So there you have it.  

The Goal Proclamation (Doesn’t “proclamation” make it sounds so very official?!?)
From now until 10/20/12 I have about 5 months (157 days).
The goal to lose is 25-30 lbs.
That’s about 6 lbs a month… or 1.5 a week.

The process:

  • Continue with P90X (generally in the morning so I won’t “run out of time”).  I have been absolutely loving this workout, as long as I get to bed in time to get up and at’em… at 5:00 am.
  • Keep up with my 1 mile run after P90X.  When we finished our workout (Hubs and I do P90X together, cause we’re cute like that), I had been running a mile.  I know that’s not a huge distance but it felt good and was something I wanted as a baseline to build on.  And it has me out of the house so Hubs can cook me breakfast!!
  • Continue with Theron’s 2 walks a day.  The first is around 30 minutes, just him and I before I settle into work.  And the 2nd is a family walk with Hubs as well.  Smores (the cat) does not come, she doesn’t walk well on a leash. 🙂  Yes, I tried to walk her on it once… no it didn’t work out well for anyone, she kinda just got dragged along.  
  • Get back on board with the “1300 Club”.  Having a defined objective works well for me.  One of the key aspects is I don’t add back in exercise calories or anything.  I think sometimes that creates an exercise obsession for me that isn’t healthy.
    • This is a little easier in that I keep in mind healthy meals when making the weekly meal plan.
    • A little sub-goal here is that Hubs’ and I are still cleaning some of the non-real food out of the house, but that I really want to get to a point where we’re eating healthy whole foods only.  
    • Also I need a list of healthy “treats” for when I have that nighttime dessert craving…which seems to hit me most when Hubs’ is out of the house for B-ball on Monday and Thursday nights and I have no witnesses!  Suggestions are welcome, and encouraged. 🙂
  • Get enough sleep!  This one is so hard for me because I tend to get lost reading or online in the evenings.  Realistically for a 5:00 am wake up, I need to be getting ready for bed at 8:30 pm.  Yes… That does mean I go to bed earlier than all the children in our neighborhood. 🙂
  • Drink my water.  I have been slacking on this on and off, but I feel better when hydrated, and being a massage therapist I know how vital water is to all our body processes and to lubricating our muscles.
Really, when I type it all out it’s really not that hard of a plan.  It’s just sticking to it that’s difficult.  
Expect updates on what’s worked, what hasn’t worked, and any changes to my “process” on Wednesdays.  I’m not going to let this be a pity party.  I think if I can focus more on what goes right than what goes wrong, I’ll be in a better place mentally about it all.
I’m hoping this will help me find focus…  What do you do to keep yourself focused on your goals?

Feeling shameful…

The focus of my blogging is (in my mind at least) a pursuit of balance.  Balancing myself as in my physical health, mental health, emotional health.  Balancing my life as in work and play.
So everything I’m about to share makes me feel a little like a sham…  Be forewarned!
I stepped on the scale yesterday…  It was a very bad number.
I hid my scale away around the beginning of October.  I tend to develop a very unhealthy relationship with it and with the number it provides.  But all of my clothes fit too snugly… and i always feel these things more sharply when my mom is around.  So I decided to bite the bullet and step on that frenemy of mine.
It was the highest number that I’ve ever seen.
Part of it is probably the weight gain from letting go of dieting and letting go of “forbidden foods”.
A larger part is that I know I haven’t been listening to my body the past couple weeks on what I want and when to stop eating, but it seems irrational for it to cause such an increase.

When things feel frazzled, or chaotic, I have a hard time staying centered and grounded.  I have a hard time maintaining what I want and why.  It’s my flaw.  I don’t blame anyone else for it.  It’s a big reason I love yoga; it helps me to go inside myself and calm that chaotic monkey inside me. 🙂  That’s also a HUGE reason I want to cultivate a daily meditation practice.  With practice, I find i can channel these skills sets much more easily.  I find they balance out my mindlessness, or my lack of focus/being grounded on my purposes.

We went to the co-op yesterday, and (since it was after I stepped on the scale and eliminated my self-esteem to zero) I had the most shameful feeling.  I felt like I did not belong there.  Like I didn’t deserve the highest quality of ingredients there.  Because I continue to abuse my body by not taking care of it, and not honoring it.

I spent yesterday feeling a combination of shock that I let myself gain so much, shame that I couldn’t do better and understanding on how easy it is for the obese to get there.

I don’t want to feel chained down by all of this.  I let myself feel poorly about it yesterday.  Today’s a new day.  Today I can take each moment to honor myself, to honor my needs and wants.

I found this quote yesterday on FB, and it was startlingly true…

If it’s important to you, you will find a way.
If not you’ll find an excuse.
And that my friends, is the thought I will leave you with today.

Who do you want to be?

Every choice we make defines us.  Chose to take the easy way, or give up… that’s defining us as weak or undependable.  Chose to push through the hard times, that makes us strong.  Chose the road less travelled because it’s what’s right for you, and right for your health.  Well, then you are independent, and inspirational.  Each little choice is up to you.  And they all build up to showing yourself and the world who you are.  Who do you want to be?