I’m not certain how best to start in, so I’ll dive in and see where it takes me…
Since we got home from our last Vermont vacation, I went from being somewhat depressed to being pretty full on debilitated by it. I always assumed my lows in life was normal for people who complained of depression. I am here to say that is not the case, not the case at all. If you’re depressed like I have been since July… and honestly if you look at it more critically, I have been depressed growing more so steadily for a couple of years now, it’s a whole different ballgame. It truly wiped me out. I had nothing to give, day in and day out. I never recovered day-to-day. Not emotionally, not mentally and not physically. I hid in books all day. I would waste time with TV. I didn’t have it in me to take care of myself and barely took care of our home. Hubs was the same loving, kind man he always is, but I know he was frustrated. After a very.. Let’s call it… tense… phone call with my mother, I decided it was time to ask for help in a new way. About a month ago I started a low-level of an antidepressant. It’s the hardest decision because it makes me feel weak, and like something is broken in me that I couldn’t fix it with other means. I know I am not weak, and I know I really did all I could; but sometimes emotions and logic go to war.
And then my 30th birthday happened.
At the end of September, beginning of October I started writing in my journals again, both a stream of consciousness one, a gratitude/positivity one. The morning of my birthday (October 20th) I sat down with my journal. I had gotten up earlier than Hubs with that intent.
I realized this entire past year has been a haze of disappointment and of me being disconnected from the world. I have been so disconnected from my life that it’s almost like this past year didn’t happen. I haven’t achieved a lot of the goals I had for myself. I haven’t stayed focused, or to be honest, cared about them for most of the year. I think 29 will stay in my mind as the year I can’t believe really happened because I wasn’t really present for it. It amazes me that while I have been so checked out, I have still built my business and had time to make some great new friendships this past year. I guess that happened while I wasn’t paying attention!
And as I sat there on the morning of my 30th birthday, I realized, I didn’t want to say that ever again. I don’t want to wish any more time away. I can not tell you how happy it made me to realize I actually cared about my future again.
I’ve been making up for lost time too!
We had a party (this was planned before I became determined to take my life back) and had so many many lovely people in our home. It was wonderful and I can’t thank everyone from our wine group enough!
We went to the Roanoke Go Outside! Festival Sunday. If you didn’t manage to make it there this year, please please please go next year! It’s free to attend, most of the stuff inside is free… And they had dock diving dogs. I mean, what’s better than that?!? I think next year, even if we’re not still in Virginia, I’d like to come back and camp out (also fo free… You may assume anytime that I say the words for free, I am thinking of this clip, thank you)… I kept telling Hubs I felt happier than I had in years.
Sunday we noticed how very nice and lean all the dogs there were… Which was a striking to Theron. He’s down 6 lbs, but still has 15 to go. I volunteered to take him walking more. So Monday we took a morning walk, I had a client, we took a lunch time walk (on the Greenway – Hubs’ suggestion!) and an evening walk on the Greenway (all three of us!) before Hubs went to basketball.
Tuesday I took my first ever solo hike… Well, Handsome Dog was with me, but I think it still counts! That hike marked a few other firsts… Like the first time I have been all alone peeing in the woods. And the first time I’ve been able to hike in the gorgeous Virginia fall. And fastest time I’ve had ascending and descending Mill Mountain! Theron’s quite the little pace setter.
I even walked on the Greenway with Hubs and the adventure dog last night! I am so glad Hubs reminded me of the Greenway. It’s such a nice change of pace from the neighborhood.
I just can’t tell you how amazing it feels to have rejoined the life of the living. To actually have it in me to live my life, instead of walking around like a shell of a human struggling with a dark time of the soul. I haven’t posted anything about feeling on the other side of my sadness because I have spent each day the past month or so waiting for this alive feeling to drop out from under me, and to be replaced with that miserable, lonely, detached feeling again.
Instead of being sad to be 30, I am so ready to take on this year with all the vigor I can muster!! Here’s to being 30!!! Bring on the best year yet!!!! I’m ready to dominate it!