I’m feeling lost.

This happens EVERY.TIME. I go home to visit.

I come back and am lost.  I feel lonely and empty and like something is missing.

For the longest time, I thought having found my wonderful match in life, that all I needed in life was him.

We are so very good together.  We’ve spent the last 7 years being each other’s every little thing.

Doesn’t that sound heavenly?

Doesn’t that sound pressure filled?  Doesn’t that sound, unbalanced?

For the longest time, I thought it was wonderful.  In fact, it still is quite wonderful.  We built a very strong and wonderful relationship that far exceeded my hopes for myself, and for us.

But when I go home I get this feeling… and each time I feel it stronger…. We could move there and we wouldn’t have to be alone…  I wouldn’t feel like I had this big gaping wound to heal each time I returned to Virginia from Vermont.  I wouldn’t have to spend weeks to months healing myself and settling myself back to being here.

I wouldn’t have to choose to let that wound be or to keep my marriage happily intact.

I spend a lot of time fearing that the  time will come when I can’t just force that feeling away.  That a time will come where I can’t just make myself happy here to keep us happy.

I live in fear of it.  Right now, I feel it trembling in my heart…  I can’t calm it.

That fear that will pervade until I am able to talk myself into this being “where we’re supposed to be”.

It’s easy to stay here, where we are, where we have a nice home and Hubs has a nice job, and he’s happy.  I’m relatively happy to, for the record.

It’s hard to imagine staying where we are…

Where I am most responsible for the household, and the idea of throwing children (if we end up so blessed) into the mix is suffocating.  Staying here, where we won’t have family to help share the burden… It’s intimidating.  It’s hard to imagine the potential that our (potential) children might not grow up spending a lot of time with their grandparents.  As mine were/are some of the most important people in my life, I feel it’s just plain WRONG not to give my children that option…

Staying here, it’s hard to imagine this cycle each time we travel home…  How many times can I ask to move home, and be shot down without it eating away at me completely?  How many times can I keep pushing this down, and keep pushing on?

Generally in my “healing process” after visiting,  I think going home to visit is part of the problem.  If I don’t go home, I can forget about it.  Keep burying it deeper and deeper until I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

I mean, that’s the same process I use to be “happy” here in the first place.  Each day I bury my sadness a little deeper, and I use that to catapult myself back to the land of the living.

If I just keep it all buried deep, I won’t say things to Hubs that will rock the boat.  I won’t push him to something that might make him unhappy, no matter how unhappy I might be.  I think deep down he thinks I’ll always be a little unhappy.  And maybe he’s right.  As soon as I think “maybe he’s right”, that’s when I know I’m starting to give in to him.  Give in to letting myself be less happy so he can stay here and nothing has to change.

This issue seems to grow bigger all the time.  I don’t know what the resolution is, or if there is a resolution.

I guess I just needed to vent.  I can’t make this decision for both of us, and I couldn’t live with disrupting his life to make me happier if it’s not something he wants… So I just say a little prayer each day hoping we can find a compromise, or a resolution…


One thought on “Unresolved…

  1. Pingback: Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone. ~G.B. Stern « Finding Time to Breathe…

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