To Break a Cycle…

Monday and Thursday nights have become somewhat of  a hardship for me.  Hubs isn’t home after 7:45pm because he goes and plays basketball.  For a while I was doing yoga Monday nights, and we’d pass like two ships in the  night until he came home at 10:00pm and I’d be in bed.  And Thursday nights he usually goes out with the guys for a beer or two after playing, so he’s not home until about 11:00 pm.  I find I feel lonely when he’s gone on basketball nights.  I have been trying to make myself make walking dates or other easy things to do to socialize on those nights.  But I digress.

Without him here, I’ve no one to keep me accountable and I find I’m starting to slip into my old habit of sneaky-secret-binging.  Last Thursday, when I was feeling particularly low because I had really really really been looking forward to my walking date that was cancelled, and as you know my clients for the most part had cancelled.  I was in a bad place emotionally and I made 2-3 mugs of cookies (in theory single servings).  I wasn’t legitimately hungry.  It was my disappointment and boredom I was feeding.  And I felt like I could get away with it since no one could see what I was doing but me.

This evening I have found myself sad because I didn’t feel “up” to going to yoga earlier… and it was thundering and lightening out so I couldn’t go for a walk this evening.  Next thing I know, Hubs is gone, and I’m googling the pants off of “cookie dough dip” and “single serving sugar cookies” and the like.  I just have to say thank god for this girl.  Her blog randomly showed up (Or not so randomly because she had one of those recipes.) and it pulled me back from the dark side!  So thank you!!!  Well her blog and remembering I have Bengal Spice to brew up in times like that!

But to be honest, it’s not just the Monday and Thursday thing that’s a problem.

Ever since my reaaaaaaally bad week at work, I’ve been off my game emotionally.  I’m slowly getting much better at seeing when I am operating from an emotional place.  It used to take me weeks-months to realize that’s what was going on.  I’m becoming more in tune with myself and more adept at reading the little signs… Like not tasting what I eat… Eating twice as fast as Hubs… Being okay with that extra serving or that extra drink…  I’m so very proud of myself for seeing it on my own and so quickly and actually pulling myself back from the brink.

What’s been plaguing me since last week is that I’ve been slowly becoming filled with doubt and fear of failure when it comes to my “calling” to massage and my career path.  I did a decent job this morning of melting down, and having Hubs give me some tough love and which when I listened helped put me back on the right path.

You know when I really care about someone who you can tell it because they can tell me something I don’t want to hear, and I will listen.  Hubs told me this morning I seemed to be waiting for customers to line up, but not really going after it.  And he looked kinda scared saying it like “Oh shit, did I really just say that out loud???”  But he was right…  When things are going on the upswing, it’s harder to focus on the marketing… but it’s vital to keep it on the upswing.

What it all comes down to is that I let all these cycles occur…  I let myself respond emotionally via food when I’m sad/hurt/etc… and I let those situations occur by not being as proactive in my life with avoiding those feelings.  I can accept those responsibilities… But it’s still so sad that these cycles keep occurring.  I know they can be broken, and I know healthier ones can be put in place.  Does anyone have some great tips for doing that?

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