Feeling shameful…

The focus of my blogging is (in my mind at least) a pursuit of balance.  Balancing myself as in my physical health, mental health, emotional health.  Balancing my life as in work and play.
So everything I’m about to share makes me feel a little like a sham…  Be forewarned!
I stepped on the scale yesterday…  It was a very bad number.
I hid my scale away around the beginning of October.  I tend to develop a very unhealthy relationship with it and with the number it provides.  But all of my clothes fit too snugly… and i always feel these things more sharply when my mom is around.  So I decided to bite the bullet and step on that frenemy of mine.
It was the highest number that I’ve ever seen.
Part of it is probably the weight gain from letting go of dieting and letting go of “forbidden foods”.
A larger part is that I know I haven’t been listening to my body the past couple weeks on what I want and when to stop eating, but it seems irrational for it to cause such an increase.

When things feel frazzled, or chaotic, I have a hard time staying centered and grounded.  I have a hard time maintaining what I want and why.  It’s my flaw.  I don’t blame anyone else for it.  It’s a big reason I love yoga; it helps me to go inside myself and calm that chaotic monkey inside me. 🙂  That’s also a HUGE reason I want to cultivate a daily meditation practice.  With practice, I find i can channel these skills sets much more easily.  I find they balance out my mindlessness, or my lack of focus/being grounded on my purposes.

We went to the co-op yesterday, and (since it was after I stepped on the scale and eliminated my self-esteem to zero) I had the most shameful feeling.  I felt like I did not belong there.  Like I didn’t deserve the highest quality of ingredients there.  Because I continue to abuse my body by not taking care of it, and not honoring it.

I spent yesterday feeling a combination of shock that I let myself gain so much, shame that I couldn’t do better and understanding on how easy it is for the obese to get there.

I don’t want to feel chained down by all of this.  I let myself feel poorly about it yesterday.  Today’s a new day.  Today I can take each moment to honor myself, to honor my needs and wants.

I found this quote yesterday on FB, and it was startlingly true…

If it’s important to you, you will find a way.
If not you’ll find an excuse.
And that my friends, is the thought I will leave you with today.
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