This whole concept of actually facing my weight issue once a week, publicly, is very intimidating. It means I can’t just glaze over it like ti’s not a real issue. Or that I can’t just post pictures of everything else in my life, omitting me (because I can’t stand to see the pictures of me).
Having to be accountable, honest and open about this issue that has such an impact is both mortifying (to have to be dealing with in the first place), and necessary (face it and deal with it I say!). What makes it more challenging to discuss is that this in an open forum. Who knows, that ex-boyfriend who never gained a pound could be reading it… or that girl I always envied… What will they think? Will they judge you? While I wouldn’t
ever let that hold me back, I also do know that is in the back of my mind and I have to force myself to keep it there.
It’s easy to pretend to be okay with being overweight. Or to pretend that I am not fixating on the fact I am still no where near where I want and need to be because I feel good about being healthier than I was a year ago.
Honestly, I hate the way this overweight situation impacts me. Carrying the extra weight makes me ashamed of myself for not dealing with it sooner… for not being naturally able to keep an equilibrium between calories in and calories out like a “normal person”. I know that where I am at today is the culmination of many years of bad habits, ingrained since childhood… but I’m old enough that I should have been far more accountable much sooner.
Another thing about the situation that really gets to me is the impact to my self esteem… When I hit my goal, then I will…X, Y, or Z….Fill that in several different things… then I will go and do this, or then I will think about going for that other job, or then I will approach those people and they might give me the time of day… When I hit my goal, then, then I will really start living my life… In my heart of hearts… I know it’s my self esteem that is holding me back. Not the weight.
But the two are eternally intertwined for me.
I spend a lot of time mentally beating myself up for failing so many times before. For not being in better shape… For letting this process carry on so long…
The mental side of all of this wreaks havoc on me.
I just want the inside to match the outsides. The happy healthy girl on the inside wants her
day year life in the sun!!!