I understand you no longer like me. While I am not certain of what I did to so thoroughly offend you, I promise it was not maliciously intentional. The mutiny you are staging has finally wore me down. I am flying my white flag of surrender.
However, the extreme amount of pain and agony you are providing me with, free of charge, has got to stop.
In light of this, and in attempt to call a truce, or if necessary a full forfeit, I commit to doing the following in order to appease you.
- I will, with the help of Stoneyfield Farms Fat Free Plain Yogurt provide you with a daily dose of probiotics. I’ll even give ’em to you on the weekends if that is what it takes.
- I will stay away from the evil Milk-Fairy… No more cow milk in it’s liquid format, no more solid ice cream either. Thank goodness there are no more trips home to VT planned this year or maple creemees may have doomed this truce.
- I will practice yoga every day. Even rest days. I will help you to relax. Heck, while I’m at it… I’ll even take a nice long bath a week.
- I promise that I will work on my work/life balance and find a situation we can both be happy with.
- I will take my daily MiraLAX just like the good doc told me to. I won’t shy away just because it further evidences that I have more in common with my grandparents and their peers than my own.
- I will keep my coffee
to a max of 1 cup in the morning and a decaf at nightfunctional minimum. You may want to realize the deep ramifications this will have on my job performance. They tend to frown on sleeping at one’s desk, or under it for that matter. I will fully warn you if that afternoon slump hits, I will have to deviate. I understand you will retaliate as you see fit.
- I will exercise regularly and consistently. I won’t just do so for a few days and fall off the ol bandwagon, as I can tell that it upsets you when I do that, and you punish me so. If you were to stop making me so bloated, perhaps I would see more results from my workouts, and not lose motivation.
- I will continue to stay away from all your least favorite foods, no matter how yummy they are. The cows of the world will thank you…Those sea dwellers and soybeans, not so much so.
- Yes, I get it, when I don’t give you enough sleep, you will force me to shut down and out. Yes, I get it that the more I ignore you, the louder (or more painfully) you will roar. I’ll get back to my lovely 8 hours of sleep a night.
- Heck, I’ll even give you a couple of weeks without alcohol to see if that is what is irking you so. Just please, please, please stop the attacks.
- I’ll get rid of all the gluten… I can’t handle the aching and the bloating any better than you can. I usually do so well; why must you punish me when I make these accidental ingestions?
As you can see, I’m willing to more than meet you halfway. I’m basically doing all the work here.
Is it too much to ask you to stop being so fickle? To stop with the unending cramps that have me doubling over in the hardware store? Or to stop making it so I have to always know where the powder rooms are?
Please, please accept my terms. They are all I have to give.
The Body you Love to Punish