This morning while we were working out we watched a documentary on PBS World (yes, yes, yes, I know… Nerd Alert!) about the San Francisco Bay and the protection/clean up of it. After it ended Hubs and I both started talking about things we could do to be a little more eco-savvy… In this conversation he said something that really resonated with me… The gist of it was… We love the outdoors, and we like enjoying it, but we don’t work at maintaining it. It’s like we’re enjoying someone else’s hard work. That point is so true, and doesn’t feel good. It makes me feel like a “user”… and I hate that feeling.
That thought path evolved to me thinking about why I haven’t taken a greater interest in giving back with regards to the things I enjoy and take for granted. In the past half a year, I have spent a lot of time feeling stretched too thin. I know we all have the same number of hours in the day as everyone else. I’m not sure why I feel like I have half what other people seem to. Perhaps I’m less efficient lately. I am sure there are a lot of different variables at play. However, the end result is that I don’t seem to “give”. It seems I have more of an appetite to “take”. While this might seem like it’s not a huge deal to some, to me it is. One of my core beliefs revolves around giving and taking. In my heart of hearts, I believe when you focus on giving, rather than taking… there’s less you need to take because in the big ol circle of life, you reap the rewards of giving first, taking second. I don’t believe it’s linear, more of a “pay it forward” type of deal.
Taking this a step further, and more personal, I like to think the inner Mindy, the “real” Mindy, gives. But there is this other alter-ego Mindy that takes… She’s that same stressed, anxiety riddled, funk dwelling Mindy I have seen visiting more and more in the past year or two. I miss and long for those days that I am alive and afire… and the “real” Mindy has come back. The one who wants to help the world, rather than wants the world to help me. I would like her to take up permanent residence. When that other Mindy comes to town…It doesn’t lend to being someone I am happy with, or content with, or proud of. It makes me disappointed in myself. I just want to run her out of town and tell her to go away and stay away… good riddance.
I know this happens to everyone, we can’t all be our best self each and every moment. There’s always the low points. Those times when life just feels like it’s crapping all over you. I wonder if I suck it up a little and create some small space within me to give, if that can grow… Like little seeds planted in the dirt growing into healthy joyful plants. This weekend I’m going to make a real effort to give more and take less… see if I can sow some seeds. It can’t hurt!