So as you may, or may not have notice, I’m not losing any weight lately (See MG on Paula’s Excellent Challenge). I lost three, added them back… And for some reason, this is barely fazing me.
My body feels happier, healthier and better fueled and taken care of than it has in years.
I can bike more than I have since I was 13 and rode my bike all summer long to get EVERYWHERE.
I can run more than I think I have in my adult life.
I work out every day in some manner.
I eat well, and I eat right.
I’m keeping the excess under control.
I feel like the clutter in my mind and in my heart is slowly blowing away, making way for health and happiness and more productive ways to live.
I feel empowered, and am enjoying my life.
I feel alive and afire.
To feel this great means so much more than the numbers on the scale right now.
I’m still working towards that magic goal weight, and I’m by no means happy with the weight I am at now… But I am absolutely reveling in the way I feel.
I never want to focus so much weight loss that I am miserable about it again, or am not fueling my body right. I have done that before… dipped way too low in calories… worked out too much… (and for the record, did not lose like I would have hoped…) I stopped enjoying any of my life for the all mighty weight loss… and I was so unhappy, and it took over my life. How I felt was completely dependant upon whether the scale went up or down.
Yes, it is very very frustrating right now to know I am eating less than I am burning and that I am STILL not losing weight… this past week I gained… I could let it make me feel like a failure, as it has so many times in the past… But I won’t let it. Not when my clothes fit better, and my body is happy… I mean really happy… it feels used; not abused. It feels like I’m giving myself loving care by working out healthfully and fueling it with good clean food. It knows I’m listening to it more than I have before. If something makes it unhappy, I am learning not to do those behaviors. This is a way I could live for the rest of my life. I am hoping and praying that the reward for this, for eating more mindfully, for eating less than I am burning, will be achieving a healthy happy weight. It may take a little longer than I want.
For me I spend a lot of time convincing myself if I can just drop X lbs in the next X weeks, I’ll be on the other side, and then… THEN I will start treating myself better. THEN I will stop obsessing… THEN I will let myself enjoy my food…. THEN I will let myself enjoy the exercise for being good and cleansing for the body, instead of to count each and every calorie it should be burning… All these THENs have been my life for as long as I can remember. And I don’t want that anymore. I can’t guarantee I won’t get hit by a bus tomorrow. I can’t guarantee I will wake up tomorrow. I do want to enjoy and live each day in a healthy, clean, nurturing way. I want to enjoy each moment with the love of my life. I want to have my path to health be lined with trees, and brooks, and some meadows, and lots and lots of flowers… I don’t want it to be lined with concrete walls and barred windows. I’ve spent years either surrounded by those concrete walls and barred windows, or knowing that I was deviating from a healthy path and that the end result would be a longer travel down the concrete path.
I feel like I am slowly breaking free of those chains… I feel like I’m crawling out from under a rock and am seeing the sunshine on nice dewy spring blossoms for the first time in years.
I wouldn’t trade this feeling of being a life and truly living for the world. I wish I could capture it, and bottle it, and save it for those days that the trees and squirrels give way to concrete walls.
These feelings, this freedom, this is why I love my imperfect body… The imperfect body that lets me take nice long bike rides with my husband without holding me back. That same body that’s been working with me to run more and more, and faster and faster. The same body that carries me through each day. I am thankful for it.